DeDisneyfied
by Stuffishness
Summary: Beauty and the Beast in the way that Disney would never tell it. Just a summary of what was really going on.


Disclaimer: I do not own Disney, Beauty and the Beast, Tarzan, or anything characterized in this story. I do, however, own the story. This is what happens when I have a class where my teacher does not teach. This is also what happens when I irrationally obsess over a movie too much. If reviews come, then I'll de-Disney-fy some other Disney movies, as well. Thank you and enjoy!

* * *

"I'm sick of this provincial life! Why can't I live an adventure like the characters in books?!" Belle screamed at the top of her lungs in the middle of a small town early in the morning. Perhaps she was PMSing, but no one would care if that was the case, for, you see, people didn't do a whole lot of thinking back in the day in France.

"Bonjour!" a neighbor called.

"Oh, Bonjour! Isn't it lovely today?"

"Why, yes!"

Belle continued walking. Who knows why she was out before everyone else was even up?

"I'm sick of this stupid place!"

Another mood swing.

While Belle was subtly hinting at a book she wanted in a local bookstore, sucking up to the owner to deprive a person the rare gift of reading, a buff, handsome, sexist pig with some serious issues was talking to his loyal, trusting sidekick LeFou while others were "taking their lumps". (raises eyebrow)

"OMG, it's Gaston SWOON!" the town skanks crowed when they saw Gaston. They assumed their position attached to his arms, like leeches sucking the life out of their victim.

"Wow, ever since I saw Belle, I knew she'd by my little wife and that I'd change this...thinking...ways of hers."

"So while you can have any girl of your choice in the entire world, you'd rather have the girl unavailable who everyone thinks is a freak...?" LeFou asked, hesitantly.

"Shut up," Gaston said simply.

"Yes, Gaston! I love you! Please don't hate me! I want to be just like you!"

As Belle read her previous book beside a fountain, little did she know Gaston was plotting his marriage proposal to her.

"Ew, a book!" he cried when he saw her, throwing it into the mud, still maintaining a cool, manly voice. Luckily for him, Belle was in a happy mood at that particular moment, or surely she would've had gone all Kingdom Hearts II on him.

After completely turning her off even further, Gaston and Belle split. Gaston went to gloat about a recent feat and Belle went home.

"Daddy!" she said. "You're home!"

Belle's father was an inventor. Uh...If you could even call him one...

"Belle! I have another invention! Let's see if it works!"

"Oh! Will it help continue the plot if it does?"

"Surely!"

Shortly after, they found it did and Belle's father left to an invention fair to claim a prize.

A knock came at the door. Belle, being alone, was forced to answer it. She was in desperate need of a Tylonel or ibuprofen or something. The last thing she needed was to answer a freaking door.

"Oh...Gaston...Hi..."

"Hey, Belle. Have you stopped reading books, yet?"

"No." Annoyance.

"Oh, by the way, wanna get hitched and be my little serv...I mean, wife?"

"SCREW YOU!" and she shut the door on him.

After a much-needed pain reliever and rant about the town, Belle realized a horse was outside. Being an avid reader, she quickly realized that it was her dad's horse and that something was wrong. "What happened? Where's father? Take me to him!", and the horse, perfectly understanding English, did so, but stopped short, sensing danger.

"What are you doing? Stop! Please!" her father had cried the night before, in a not-too-distant castle.

"Oh, shut up. You're just a plot regulator. No one will miss you. Plus you only show up one more time at the end of the storyline."

"A castle!" Belle shouted. Quite ironically, she actually found her father in there.

"You shall be my prisoners!" the Beast shouted upon finding Belle in the dungeon.

"Take me, instead! Drama drama drama teenage angst!"

"OK! Fine!" Giving in, the Beast sent Belle's father back home in a spider pumpkin.

Mood swing.

Belle began to cry hysterically. Realizing that her crying in the dungeon would wake him up every night (since it was right beneath his room), he decided to send her to a bedroom at the opposite side of the castle.

Now, the Beast had not had a good night's sleep. For one, a stranger had popped into his castle and disturbed the long-held peace, and that's enough to bother you for a while. And his rose had been wilting for the past few months and that was enough to bother you for a long while (especially when your entire future relies on some miserable flower). So being the cranky furball he'd become, the Beast wasn't exactly entirely chivalristic in his invitation to the girl for dinner. And her refusal didn't make anything much better. He slammed the door in her face and forbade her from eating.

Belle scoffed and began to cry. Her wardrobe decided to cheer her up. Since this was France in the old days, Belle was merely shocked.

But finally after talking to her furniture, she managed to wander into the kitchen and manged to mooch food of some inanimate objects only Disney can turn to life without any influence.

After trying a finger-full of every item of food the objects gave her, and enjoying a rather well-choreographed and -sung musical with pyro- and hydrotechnics initiated at _just_ the right time, Belle found herself satisfied and asked for a tour of the castle. However, all she really wanted was an opportunity to go into the West Wing. And she got it.

Finally in the forbidden room, she found sheets over various objects, a broken mirror, a torn poster of some guy with intense eyes, and a glowing rose with fallen petals. As if entranced by it, she lifted the glass covering and went to touch it. She never got the chance.

"ROAR!!! Do you realize what you could have done?!?!"

Attempting to appear perfectly innocent, Belle tried politeness and fear before running outside into the snow where wolves, bats, and Gaston roamed. Not the most intelligent decision.

Speaking of Gaston, an evil plan involving an insane asylum, Belle's father (Maurice), a snowman, and the townspeople who suddenly turned on Belle whom they'd liked in the beginning of the story was beginning to take effect.

After a little while, Belle was attacked by wolves. The Beast saved her, got hurt, and somehow, she managed to pick up his massive body and weight and hauled him onto her horse (who'd apparently been kept in the castle all that time) to take him back to the castle. Yes, she'd hesitated about doing so, but if she'd left him, the story would end a bit soon and Belle wouldn't be a princess, nor a pure heart in Kingdom Hearts II.

This was the moment that finally bound Belle and the Beast as friends. The next day, they had snowball fights in the snow and sang music in their heads. Slowly, love began to creep up on them.

"I want to show you something," the Beast told Belle, covering her eyes. (Oh, and by this point of the story, she was definitely and obviously off her time of the month. Anyway...) The Beast's present to Belle was a library full of books from floor to ceiling, at impossible heights no one could possibly reach. But it was the sweetest, most thoughtful gift any character could give to the love of his life.

Eventually, Mrs. Potts and Lumiere managed to convince the Beast to ask Belle on a date. That night, Belle dawned the most awesome dress in Disney. (Anyone else notice the rather risque pose she took when she took the Beast's hand to dance?)

Mrs. Potts broke out in a slow jam as the couple waltzed in a giant ballroom. At the end of the night, Belle became emo. The Beast immediately noticed, and Belle gave him a guilt trip about missing her father. He took her to the West Wing and let her see him on his magic mirror. Belle asked to see her father, who'd gone out to look for her, and found him in the woods, sick and almost dead. The Beast, finally feeling love with compassion, freed her and let her go to her father, whom she did find and took home.

LeFou had been waiting for her to come home. Soon after Maurice woke up, the creepy insane asylum owner guy knocked at the door to "collect" him. Gaston took this as a moment to hit on Belle and "persuade" her to marry him. Even by trying to appear more attractive, he managed to be a complete turn-off.

"Tell us about the Beast, Maurice!"

"He's huge!! Maybe about eight feet! Ten!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha!"

How they managed to miss out on that giant castle that peaks above the trees in the forest...it's better not to ask...

Belle publically rejected Gaston again. While her father raved about the Beast, Belle grabbed the magic mirror and, intelligently, showed everyone the Beast. When they screamed in fear, Belle assured them that he was harmless, and sweet and kind, which set Gaston's ego into an automatic defense mode (since Belle was so obvious in showing her love in front of an evil psycho sexist pig who would do anything to have her) and created a riot to overthrow the Beast.

Being as _helpless_ as she was, Belle was unable to get out of the basement she and Maurice had been thrown into. Luckily, Chip, a small piece of china teacup, managed to start up a woodcutter with a sharp ax, a million times his size, freeing the two who made it in time to save the Beast since the mob decided to be loud and slow, feeling the need to burst into a spontaneous song.

The furniture in the castle knew they were coming when the crowd attempted to knock down the doors, and Mrs. Potts warned the Beast of their arrival, who became emo and selfish and didn't care about the attack. The furniture did fight, though, and they won with, amazingly, no bloodshed (even when stabbed with a knife) and by scaring others away. After probably killing many townspeople and being hurt or raped, themselves, the Disney inanimate objects cheered and celebrated, completely oblivious to Gaston who was creeping quite conspicuously up the stairs.

Belle and Maurice arrived just in time to see the Beast being assaulted by Gaston, who was so convinced that Belle would want to have him.

"What's the matter, Beast?" he asked, patronizingly. The Beast helplessly moaned like a puppy, his eyes sad. The sexist pig continued to pick on the star-crossed puppy by chasing him down and beating him. (Therefore, Gaston is obviously a puppy killer.) But upon hearing Belle yell in fear and concern from below, the Beast became motivated to defend himself.

Meanwhile the Beast was fighting back, Belle was riding Phillip (the horse) up to the roof of the castle, making cracks in the marble tile that would be very pricey to repair, where Gaston and the Beast were fighting. Eventually, the Beast managed to grab Gaston by the neck and hold him over the side of the castle. But on a final thought, he realized it wasn't worth it, and with this change of heart, let him live. Gaston choked for air just as Belle arrived and stretched her hand out to the Beast. The furball climbed up the side of the tower and reached Belle's hand, just as Gaston stabbed the Beast in the back. And like an idiot, Gaston began to laugh and eventually fell. (He probably would've been better off with one of the triplets, but whatever.) The Beast began to fall, but Belle and her incredible ability to hold up a body three times her size, yet not enough to open a basement, pulled him over the side of the tower with one hand with rather frail-looking princess fingers.

The Beast, being emo and looking for attention, selfishly replied, "Maybe it's better this way," as if no one else cared about him.

"Shut up. What am I, dirt? It's not like I can live with you," Belle was thking as she told him not to talk that way. Then the Beast died and Belle replied, "I love you," coincidentally, just as the last rose petal fell. The inanimate objects all looked solemn, realizing they had no chance now to be turned back to normal. But soon afterward, the Beast's body began to raise and glow as light shot out of him. Shortly after, he was lowered back to the ground as a human.

Belle was unsure that it was him at first (even though he'd just transformed in front of her and she'd seen it all).

"Belle...it's me! Whoo! I'm a guy with a ponytail again!" Tarz...I mean, the Beast said.

Belle was skeptical, but looking into his blue eyes, she finally realized: "It is you!"

A light fell upon the castle and spread, turning everyone into humans (and dog) again. Most of them looked better as candla...I mean, as inanimate objects, but only main characters can look good in Disney princess movies.

So Belle and the Beast (unable to lose his nickname as it is for even real people) got to dance in the ballroom again. Mrs. Potts and Maurice became good friends. (...?) And Lumiere chased after the once-feather duster, not even consoling her after her rape. And they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
